It’s crossed my mind several times. One of my ex boyfriends from when I was 21 taught me how to cum. I’m serious. I never gave him credit for this fact, but a fact it is.

I’ve been enjoying sex since the age of 17. At 18 or 19, I thought I came once or twice with someone whose heart I eventually crushed. I was his first, so mad props to him for kind of figuring it out. He would go down on me & it felt really, really good. My body kind of quivered for maybe half a second, nothing major… Maybe it was an extremely weak orgasm, or I was on the verge of one. At the time it was all I knew. He asked if I came & I said yeah, smiling… I thought I did but looking back, I honestly didn’t know.

When I was 21, I was working at one of the nicer restaurants at a ski resort as a line cook. It had been the easiest hire ever… the boss clearly wanted to fuck me then & there in the “interview” which was basically him making small talk before showing me off to the other employees. I’m not trying to get into all that… fast forward to my second season working there. I was the only female line cook & hot as fuck, spent most of my time flirting, making the boys melt, getting high (boss’ recommendations & often stash too) & making incredibly beautiful salads, desserts & pizzas from scratch.

Some fresh blood got hired for the busy season, which meant a new shipment of dudes tryna get lucky against all odds. I was into this tall dark & handsome type from Argentina, but nothing came of that… & a friend who later fucked him made me glad it didn’t — immature, lousy lay.

There was this tall, skinny white dude hired as a waiter that looked like a typical nerd-turned-cool to me. I think he said he was 6’2″ or maybe it was 6’4″… whichever it was, I had to crane my neck like a mfka trying to kiss him standing up. He started paying me a lot of attention & asking what I was doing after closing shifts working together, inviting me out to go drinking, etc. One night he finally convinced me & I went along with him & a few friends to one of the more divey bars in the nearby town. We drank pitchers of beer & flirted over pinball & pool. I still wasn’t entirely interested but had to admit he had a certain charm, & I liked the way I looked & felt with his lanky frame & long arms over me.

Soon, some of my better friends were throwing a pirate party. We had so many jokes behind the line it’s ridiculous… had to have been the most fun job job I ever had, solely because of the people I worked with & how much we all fucked around, yet rocked the shit out of the actual job part of it all. Anyway the pirate fascination had already been long established, to the point where I had gotten a “pirate wench” costume somewhere in LA when my parents took me to Disney as a belated bday gift (LOVE :-/ Miss em like mad).

So I was looking crazy fine in my pirate wench outfit… Fresh ink & tanned skin uncovered by a skimpy white satin lace-up top… Ripped black short skirt, red & white striped knee-high socks, black low cut boots (hey it was fucking snowing for crying out loud), red & white bandana… I even had skull & crossbones earrings & cheesy fake pirate tattoos next to my actual tattoos. One of my sweeter vegan friends picked me up & by the time we got to the house party it was raging… A lot of people were already visibly drunk, even the most timid of my coworkers were ogling the shit outta me, the few females were hating like hell.

It was a good fucking time, ARRRRRS every few mintues, semi-deep conversation with one of my favorite acquaintances who looked just like Jay from Jay & Silent Bob, got good & drunk & ended up running through the snowy streets with a huge group of people trying to find the way home. The tall nerdy guy with charm was running nearby asking if he could crash at my place & I said yeah, and almost immediately we got separated when I stopped to help my friend Gonzo (yes, real name) do something or other.. I don’t know, he was fucking wasted & stressing about something. We ended up lost & after sprinting awhile, eventually found another group of drunken people who seemed to know where they were going.

The group was led by one of my bosses who had a total Napoleon complex… Everyone thought he was such a dick, which he was. Buuut… I ended up fucking him. He led us all to his house & when everyone but me had found a place to pass out on in his living room, he got real close talking about how fucking hot I was. I could blame it on the alcohol but I didn’t feel drunk at this point & it probably had more to do with the fact that I wanted to sleep in a bed. He ate me out for a little while & tried to convince me it would be better without a condom… I immediately thought about what I’d heard about his brother supposedly dying of AIDS & made him use the fucking condom.

He was actually a much better fuck than expected, & well hung for someone exactly my height & similar build but more muscular. With a bit of maneuvering he got his already hard dick in missionary style & fucked hard. I refuse to give anyone room to think of me as a lousy lay, so I fucked back… tightening, thrusting, sucking his kisses. I think he probably had the same idea because he made it a point to fuck in different positions even while on top. He effortlessly flipped me over so I was on top & I rode him while he admired my tits & bit his lower lip, squeezing & moving my ass, making my job even easier. When he was about to cum, he tossed me off & hit it from the back. I pushed back his every motion & we moaned together. He kissed my neck as I felt his body start to shake. He sighed with pleasure & we laid on our backs grinning. He grabbed my tits & told me how good I was. I said “you too” with a smile & we rolled over to get some sleep, the sun already starting to creep in through his thin red curtains. When we woke up, he had to drive me home so I could get ready & get my ass to work. I gotta say he actually had some class about it, he didn’t brag openly to anyone about it until long after I had bailed that whole scene. He was somewhat flirtier & closer when telling me what to do on the job, but he wasn’t repulsive & I had a newfound respect for him because of his don’t-fuck-&-tell maturity. I might have given him more time but it was just awkward because of how much my best friends loathed him… He had good dick but still, a bit of a dick.

 

That day at work I got a lot of shit from Jeff (fuck it, if anyone who is involved is reading this they already know who the fuck I’m talking about), the tall nerdy guy, about bailing on him & him ending up having to sleep at Kibbie’s (real name… little man with a little office that we decorated to look like a tree, Keebler elf style) house which was totally fucked for some reason or another. haha.

We started hanging out all the time & he kinda grew on me. The first time he slept over he didn’t try to fuck, & I liked that. He always wanted to party & I usually went along with it even though I would’ve been straight just getting high & watching movies at the house. It was fun, I was probably more sociable & outgoing than I would have been otherwise. We would stay out late, walk to my place, & wake up in time to get hungover breakfast at this little cafe on the way to work. My friends didn’t approve, they said he seemed kinda “empty” like, there’s “nothing to him really.” It could’ve been jealousy but I kind of agreed & they were right; he ended up being a real dumb ass. But at the time he was a good kisser, pretty funny, chill, could sing fuckin Sinatra & do it justice at karaoke night…. & he taught me how to cum.

I’m gonna cut myself off here, I did not intend for this to be a narrative blog post at all… I was simply going to offer tips on how to orgasm for all the ladies out there who just don’t know yet. They say 10% of sexually active women have never had an orgasm. Tragic, I know… but entirely understandable considering that in my experience, more than 90% of men don’t actually know how to make a woman cum either.

I was telling one of my homies I was gonna work on a post about orgasm tips because I’d been asked a couple questions by a beautiful young woman. Shocked, he scoffed.. “She doesn’t know how??” I said “Yeah! It’s not that simple for chicks! You have to be shown or learn it somewhere…”

So, what would I have done if not for Jeff, who taught me how to feel good by gently making me cum using the ball of his right middle finger? Isn’t that a wild thought… But that’s the reality. Unless you’re watching porn (which I wasn’t) & see how the chick is touching herself, or you’re with someone who knows, how’s a girl to learn?

Before I got started on this I checked out trusty ol’ Google. Lo & behold, there’s basically no decent info on the topic anywhere. Every article I read was both entirely vague & clearly written by someone who doesn’t have a clit of their own. So here we go…

How do you know if you’ve had an orgasm?

If you don’t know, you haven’t had one. Trust me… You’ll know. I know now that I didn’t have an orgasm till I was 21. You men out there laughing… Shut the fuck up. Just cause you were wanking at 12 & squirting your little boy juice into socks for your mama to wash, you think you know something? Again, shut the fuck up. When’s the last time you satisfied a woman? Exactly. It’s not as simple as making cum drip out of your cock.

You’ll know you’re having an orgasm when… excuse me, I have to refresh my memory so I can get the details right….. ooooh, okay… hard to describe… You’ll know you’re about to cum when your breathing gets deeper, heart starts beating faster & faster, you have the urge to bite your lower lip, your closed eyelids might flutter a bit & you feel a strong surge of inner pressure/warmth around your clit. When you actually orgasm, oh you’ll know it. You’ll find it hard not to make some sort of sex noise… moaning or gasping, etc. You’ll feel a sudden rush to your lady parts. Your torso will spasm as the different muscles contract & retract with pleasure. You’ll probably feel this especially in your stomach & ass muscles. You might throw your head back or do a half-situp type motion… your legs might shake a little; maybe you’ll clench your toes. Your clit itself will feel like it’s almost vibrating for a second. The more your body moves, the better you just came. Sometimes your body can keep spasming like this every couple of seconds for awhile… Very sexy.

So, how can I orgasm??

First off, let me show you this. I’m sure you’ve seen it before, & it’s a crappy picture but I wasn’t gonna spread mine on here without charging for it, so look anyway:

Note how close the clit is to the mons pubis, the slightly raised area just above the lips.

Get comfortable. Lie on your back, completely naked or at least with no panties on. Spread the lips of your pussy & place your dominant middle finger gently between the lips. The knuckle closest to the palm of your hand shouldn’t even be involved.. you really just need the ball of your finger. Keep your finger somewhat flat, not hooked too much or your fingernail will get in the way. Again, it’s all about your fingertip, the smooth soft ball of your finger.

As you can see, only the tip of the finger is resting between the lips. This is all it takes. Your fingertip should feel the smooth “squishy” fleshy spot. If it doesn’t feel smooth, spread your lips again & get in a bit closer. Move your finger gently in a small “come hither” motion. Your finger should barely move; your knuckle should be rising & falling just slightly while you are doing this. I like to keep the motion going parallel to the crease of the lips, never side to side, but all the articles I read talked about small circular motions. Again, probably written by dudes anyway…

By the time you’ve reached this point, it should already be feeling pretty good to you. If it’s not, you’re probably just over-thinking the whole thing or you’re not comfortable enough, or you’re pushing too hard down there. Relax. Think sexy thoughts. Think about whatever turns you on… Johnny Depp, Brangelina, tits, Tyrese, random attractive people you’ve seen, making out with one of your followers, me, whatever the fuck it is that you find sexy. Play with your tits, stroke your nipples with your other hand… it’s whatever makes you feel good.

Keep the slight gentle movement of your fingertip going & do whatever feels best. Speed up, slow down, increase or decrease the pressure… A little experimenting & you’ll be able to tell what you like & what’s working for you. The closer you are to climax, the faster you’ll probably start moving your finger. Go with it. Let go. When you start feeling like you’re losing control, don’t be scared & let up… just go with it until you feel that warm pressure & your body is shaking like I described previously. And even when that hits, keep going, there’s more! :)

If you’re still not having orgasms after trying this (if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!), my best advice is to check out some videos here or elsewhere… in most of the ones I’ve seen lately, the chick is always diddling herself (lol) the same way I’ve attempted to describe here.

If all else fails, get out & meet your Jeffrey. Be sure to give any prospects the kiss test. If he is a terrible kisser, he won’t know what the fuck to do with your pussy, trust me. If he has charisma & seemingly out of place hints of sexual confidence, he just might know how to please a woman. Note the word hints of sexual confidence… in my experience, the ones bragging about how great they are in bed are nothing but disappointments waiting to happen. Word to the wise: Stay away from frat boys & those types. They act like they know but they don’t know shit. Also, a drunken one night stand is probably not going to lead to unlocking the mystery of your pussy. If he can barely find his own dick to take a piss, there’s no way he’s gonna be finding your clit either.

To all my lovelies out there… I hope this brings you a giant leap closer to a lifetime of body-shaking orgasms whenever you want them. :-D